I am so mentally and emotionally exhausted. I have two and a half weeks left working at The Academy, but the end can’t come fast enough. The confidence and excitement I once had for teaching has literally evaporated into thin air. I can honestly feel myself frowning and just feeling unfulfilled and empty every day. Is it too much to ask that I actually enjoy my job? Never in my life have I had to put so much effort into feeling content and staying positive during the day. My prayer life has exploded over the past several months just asking for God’s provision, direction, and purpose for my life. My esteem is so fragile right now and I’m such an emotional mess. Is this what it feels like to feel depressed and purposeless? My poor husband is trying his best to comfort me each day when I come home with an even more pessimistic attitude than when I left; I don’t want him to feel like he can’t tell me about how great his day was just because mine was less than ideal.
I didn’t want to give up on teaching completely. I wanted to give it a full year in a public school classroom (with children who are much older than preschoolers!) before I made a career change. I thought the one thing that was causing me to doubt myself as a teacher was the fact that I’ve been in nothing but preschools for the past 9 months, but now I’m not so sure. Maybe I’m just not cut out to be a teacher at all. I’m concerned that if I’m not 98% or more confident that I can stick with it long term then I’m simply setting myself up for failure and another strenuous year of working. Why would I want to do that to myself? As of late, I know my heart is only half in and the other half is anxious to try something new and find a new passion. However, with a new career, I have all new concerns like completely starting over from scratch, choosing a new career, possibly going back to school (potential financial burden), little experience in other areas…..and the list goes on and on.
The world is such a broken place. For me as a perfectionist, I am finding this harder and harder to deal with each day. I am realistic knowing that not everything can be absolutely perfect all the time. If there is a possibility that it can be perfect, I have a very hard time accepting when it’s not. There are so many things out of my control, such as student behavior, but that I feel like SHOULD be within my control. Ultimately, I can use whatever the most popular discipline system is at this time, but a student can still make their own choices. I love teaching. Period. I greatly dislike disciplining students. Period. I currently spend most of my time mediating disagreements, name-calling, pushing/shoving and tattle-tailing. They don’t seem to retain my suggestions to fix the problem and advice to keep the peace the following day, much less a few hours later! It’s very exhausting!
I don’t want to do this for the next 30 years of my life. I want to enjoy my job, feel like I’m making a difference, and still have some energy left when I come home to spend time with my husband and future children. If I’m surrounding myself with bickering, ungrateful kids all day long, I’m afraid I won’t look forward to coming home and spending time with my own children. One of the major goals I’ve had for my life is to be a mother. I want to be able to enjoy motherhood when the time comes instead of dreading the potential chaos.
Please leave any comments, advice, or questions in the comments sections. I could definitely use some positive feedback!